well I can't set my house on fire every night
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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