She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
