we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am naked and annoyed.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
