So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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