I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
