I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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