So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
