Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
