The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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