I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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