He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
