My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
