Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
