They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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