I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
where are you?
Hypothermia
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
