what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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