I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
