If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
