6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
