I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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