Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
