are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
