"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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