i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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