It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
