I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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