Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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