What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
