Don't you send me to vm
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
