hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
