Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
