Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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