What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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