well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
