I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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