You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize