Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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