I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
