His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
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He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
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I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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