She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
