Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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