why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
