filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
