I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
