Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
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beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
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Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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