Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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