so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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