Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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