I wish my penis had an off switch
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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