I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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