After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
