After last night, I could never be a politician.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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