I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
