before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
