there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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