they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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