i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
