Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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