I just pynch a tree in the face
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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