You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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