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woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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