I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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